Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Dirty Laundry of the Gingerbread Man

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. OK, no one is innocent in the following story, but nonetheless we shall call this person, The Gingerbread Man.
 The Gingerbread Man is a very fun and outgoing person who likes to go out and have a good time with friends. Nothing wrong with that. This same Gingerbread Man has an affliction with falling asleep on toilets after a night of drinking. Here's where the problem lies. Sitting on a toilet for an extended period of time can cause hemorrhoids. I'm not a doctor, but I have spent a good amount of time on WebMD, and probably a night or two at a Holiday Inn Express so I know these things.

(Not The Gingerbread Man)
It used to bother me. I used to attempt to get The Gingerbread Man to leave the toilet and go to bed. I would try everything. I would yell, I would push him off the toilet, I would bribe, I would beg. One night, after some heavy drinking on my part as well I even went so far as to go out to the garage, get some rope, attach said rope to his belt loops and try to pull him off the toilet and into bed. Seriously. I wouldn't make up such a stupid idea.

Then one day, everything changed. The Gingerbread Man had a full day of watching football and drinking with friends. Once he got home he proceeded to his throne and fell asleep as usual. After about 20 minutes I went to go wake him up. When he refused to arise from his porcelain bed I reached for him to pull him off....then somehow, like a drunken ninja, he grabbed my hand and shoved it into the toilet. YES....THE TOILET HE WAS SITTING ON. I promptly removed my hand, and wiped it on him in disgust and retaliation. But he finally won. Well played Gingerbread Man. From here on out, you may sleep on the toilet as long as you desire.

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