Monday, January 13, 2014

My Name is Emily and I Covet. Forgive Me.

This past week my husband scolded me and said that I "covet" to much. Which he then followed up with "don't you read the Bible?" No. I do not actually read the Bible. Anyone who knows me is getting a good chuckle at that notion right now. It's not that I am opposed to reading the Bible, and I do consider myself to be religious in my own way, but I am certainly not the kind of person who would sit down with a cup of chai tea and read the Old Testament.

My argument against this assertion is that I'm a girl. It's what we do. We covet. And whine. 

If I see another girl and her inner thighs don't touch...I'm going to covet that.
If I pass by a shopper in Target with two carts full of stuff...I'm going to covet their mini shopping spree.
If you have a pet furry cow...I'm going to covet that furry cow.

Ladies, am I wrong here? Help me out! (unless you are one of those girls whose inner thighs do not in fact that case, screw off!)


  1. Hey, I have a quick question I wanted to ask you about your blog, do you think you could send me an email when you get this? Thanks! Tiffany

  2. Hello Em! Did I ever mention that I love Dogma!!!

    I'd like to chime in, even though I am not a lady...Though sometimes I like to tuck and sing "Goodbye Horses" Buffalo Bill style while dancing and gazing into a video camera, all while wearing a woman's scalp and hair. ( Go to about 3:00 for the full effect. )

    So, the actual passage is "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor." However, the translated Hebrew word for "covet" in this context means "desire with intent to steal or take," not the more modern meaning of "desired possession." My bigger problem with the passage is that it implies that wives are property and no more valuable than donkeys, ox (furry cows), or slaves.

    Which brings up another point, slaves. The old testament repeatably says it is okay to keep slaves, and even goes into great detail about how to punish them and consequences for going too far. "If a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod and he (the slave) dies at his (the masters) hand, he (the master) shall be punished (usually a fine). If, however, he (the slave) survives a day or two, no vengeance shall be taken; for he (the slave) is his (the masters) property." Which I take to mean that according to the bible, it is okay to own slaves and beat them to the point of death, so long as they don't die right away and suffer for at least one to two days before death. Well, I have taken the high road and decided not to own any slaves...

    Come on, "don't you read the Bible?"

    I am far from a religious nut, I think the Bible is not the literal word of God, but a good moral guide that people should read with a grain of salt.

    My interpretation of the "covet" phrase is that it is fine to desire things that other people have, so long as you are moral in your acquisition of those things. It's fine to covet money, a nice home, a vacation, material possessions, furry cows, or even "lotion for it to rub on its skin" (which might be handy if you want to remove the inner thighs of the girl of which you were speaking).

    I don't know about whine, but the Bible speaks very highly of wine, so drink lots of it!

  3. I don't think I could possibly love this analysis any more! Although I will forever be haunted by the image of your abnormally hairless body strutting around in heels and serenading your 'fans' on YouTube. That's how I imagine a modern day Buffalo Bill would do it. I'm not sure that I have a good argument that makes a wife more valuable than a donkey. Donkeys are pretty damn useful, and the more weight they gain the cuter they get. Keep chiming in with these amazing responses or it gets the hose again!