Britney Spears is a hot mess.

Fifty-one years ago Martin Luther King had a dream. Let's hope that he had more than I had last night as I was constantly being woken up by my dog scratching and jumping up at the bed trying to snuggle. There's a lesson in this...if you name your dog Britney Spears, she's going to act like an @sshole in retaliation.

Oops, she did it again.

Case in point...many years ago when we still had a roommate, Britney Spears would go out of her way to enter his room, jump on his bed, and take a nice hot steamy poop...right on his pillow. Why? Because she's Britney F'ing Spears...that's why.

Who Me?

Once we no longer had a roommate she had to find new ways to take out her anger on society. In came her new idea of what a lap dog is. One Christmas we took her to my parent's house, where she jumped on to my dad's lap, squatted, and urinated all over him, only to promptly jump off right after. Daddy issues perhaps?

I will eat your face off one nip at a time.

Britney Spears does not stop at shaming humans. She is constantly humping our male dog. I've tried explaining the birds and the bees to her, but she has a serious case of penis envy.

Is this where babies come from?

So I urge each and every one of you...don't name your dog Britney Spears....because they will forever try to emulate Britney Spears circa 2007 (think shaved head and wielding an umbrella). Give them a nice normal name...like Noodles!