Reality TV Actually Taught Me Something

My husband is currently enrolled in some college courses in order to become a Registered Nurse. 

In his Nutrition class he was given an assignment where they presented pictures of famous chefs and he had to name them. Sure he got the obvious ones, there's no mistaking Paula Deen or Guy Fieri, but there were some black and white pictures of old school chefs that he had NO IDEA who they were. So what is a guy to do? Turn to his genius wife of course!

I turned to my vast experience from watching Catfish: The TV Show where they out people who created fake online profiles. I knew at some point watching so much trashy reality tv would benefit me...and that's why I put in all those long hours.

Thanks to Catfish, I knew we could just save the pictures to our computer and go to images.google.com to upload them and BAM! just like that it would search the internet for their likeness and tell us who they were!

Move over Nev...there's a new Catfish detective in town.

DIY Valentine's Day Wreath

I've been sitting on this idea for two years now. Yesterday was the day. I was going down to wreath making town. Ohhh Yeaaahhh.

So what had happened was....I bought a ton of pine cones two years ago after Christmas at Target for 90% off. They sat in my closet for about a year until I had the brilliant idea to paint them all different shades of pinks and reds and make a wreath out of them for Valentine's Day. I painted them, admired how cute they were, and then put them back in the closet for another year before I finally created my wreath. Procrastination? Laziness? The answer is just "yes".

Wire Heart Wreath found at Jo-Anns

Once you get your heart frame you will then need pine cones. Small ones, big ones, round ones, fluffy ones, real ones, fake ones...just lots of pine cones. And paint.

Some of my pine cones came glittered. BONUS!

Now affixing the pine cones to the wreath can be a little tricky. Go ahead and slip on a pair of Patience Pants because you really need for the glue on one cone to dry before you can start gluing another one. This was very difficult for me as I had glue gun in hand and just wanted to KEEP ON GLUING!!! I found that one layer of pine cones was just not enough for me. I needed more fluff to my wreath, so I just started gluing more pine cones on top of the other pine cones.

Only 1 layer of pine cones

Behold! My finished product! Pine cone valentine's day wreath.

A Pirate's Life For Me

Ahoy Mateys! This past weekend I celebrated the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in downtown Tampa with a few thousand of my closest scallywags.

Where's Waldo?

I went equipped with my trusty inflatable pirate sword and regaled in violating every single person who marched by me in the parade. Don't give me beads...you're getting booped in the bum with my sword. I don't make the rules, I just live by them. (Ok, I made that rule, but I stand by it)

While the parade was a blast, I am sad to say that it knocked me off my Paleo wagon. Really far off the wagon. Like if I was on the Oregon Trail I would have died of dysentery off the wagon.

Today's a new day though and I have a new craft thought up, so hopefully I will have a fun How-To for you this week.

Crossfit Stretch...the "Dying Turtle"

Ok, I'm not actually sure what this stretch is called, but my Crossfit instructor attempted to make a class full of girls do this today. Umm, yea, not today champ. I'll try this one out in the privacy of my own home...or in bed tonight with my husband. (wink, wink)

I present to you THE DYING TURTLE:

(Sorry for the blurry pictures...my phone needs to be replaced STAT!)

That's not so bad you say?? Hold on, let me get a different angle for you:

I've actually think I've seen this "stretch" before...on National Geographic. Or on Locked Up Abroad. For some reason my Instructor did not want his face shown in the pictures...I can't imagine why. Cirque du Soliel might be calling when they see his flexibility.

Short but Gross

I needed something extreme to help me recover from the Elmo Overload that was yesterday's post. I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. Sometimes I feel like I am violating my standards faster than I can lower them.

My husband had a mole on his chest. No big deal, right? Even if it did really bother you, we hold excellent health insurance, simply go and visit a doctor and have it medically removed. Nope. Not him. He decided to cut it off on his own. Sure, that's gross, but he has some medical training and some things just aren't worth arguing. 

Like any normal human being I stayed far away from the bathroom while he did this only to walk in after he was done to catch him in just the nick of time to stop him from feeding said mole to our dog. Yep. You read that right. Granted our dog does thoroughly enjoy eating fingernail trimmings (don't ask how that got started) but I'm not sure the taste of human flesh is something you want to get your pets used to.

All Elmo Everything!

I was recently given a request for some ideas for an Elmo birthday party. This party is actually being thrown for a grown adult who just happens to really love Elmo. Ok, it's really a kids party...but since I already did the leg work of figuring out crafts this will also be the theme of my husband's next birthday party. This will be the outfit I make him.

I won't even try to lie...I'll be totally jealous of this outfit. Aside from that, the rest of these Elmo theme ideas are really easy to make! I'm not actually going to make any of them right now because I'm pretty sure a house full of Elmo decor for someone with no kids will get you reported to Child Protective Services.

When they first get to your house (assuming that is where you are throwing a party with hordes of children running around) you have a couple adorable options of a welcome wreath:

It's a creepy cute little Elmo balloon wreath!! This could easily be made with items found at the Dollar Store.

This one looks like it would be less work, and pack just as much of an adorable punch! Just get foam paper for the backing of the rectangles, and then print the wording out on cardstock and glue it to the foam paper. Next attach the rectangles to a wider ribbon and adorn with smaller decorative smaller ribbons.

This guy would make a great centerpiece. Just make him out of foam paper as well and attach him to a wooden dowel. 

Remember my post on how to make tissue paper poms? Just add some facial features cut out from cardstock and BAM! You have Elmo poms!

This frame is also super easy to make. Just buy a dollar store frame and use all that card stock we've bought to add the face. You can buy the furry fabric to glue to the frame at Jo-Ann's Fabrics.

You wouldn't dare feed the children off of regular plates, would you? NO! You will add more eyes and a nose to them. Nothing like eating off the face of the one you love!

Depending on the age of the children at this party, you may be able to get them to play Pin the Nose on the Elmo. If their motor skills aren't quite that developed yet, just think of how humorous it will be to watch them run into things while blindfolded.

Party Hats! You can make these out of cardstock or posterboard. Just attach some elastic for the chin strap. I'm sure these will last all of 3 seconds on the kiddos.

Finally I have some options for you for Party Favors...because just throwing a party isn't enough, you also need to send your guests home with gifts. (Who started this trend and where can I go to punch them?)

This one may be a bit of a budget breaker...I'm not sure if the Dollar Store sells pails....but if they do, this would be an adorable favor for my Florida friends who bring their kids to the beach a lot. Again you can make the face from cardstock and hot glue it onto the pail.

What kid doesn't love bubbles? Well, maybe the kid who mistook bubbles for a drink and chugged the whole thing...but every other kid loves bubbles. I feel pretty confident you can paint this face onto a bottle of bubbles. 

I just saw red paper bags in Michaels yesterday. These Elmo gift bags would be a breeze to make!! Time consuming...but a breeze nonetheless.

Stay tuned tomorrow for how to throw a Bronies party. Just kidding. Or am I?

Britney Spears is a hot mess.

Fifty-one years ago Martin Luther King had a dream. Let's hope that he had more than I had last night as I was constantly being woken up by my dog scratching and jumping up at the bed trying to snuggle. There's a lesson in this...if you name your dog Britney Spears, she's going to act like an @sshole in retaliation.

Oops, she did it again.

Case in point...many years ago when we still had a roommate, Britney Spears would go out of her way to enter his room, jump on his bed, and take a nice hot steamy poop...right on his pillow. Why? Because she's Britney F'ing Spears...that's why.

Who Me?

Once we no longer had a roommate she had to find new ways to take out her anger on society. In came her new idea of what a lap dog is. One Christmas we took her to my parent's house, where she jumped on to my dad's lap, squatted, and urinated all over him, only to promptly jump off right after. Daddy issues perhaps?

I will eat your face off one nip at a time.

Britney Spears does not stop at shaming humans. She is constantly humping our male dog. I've tried explaining the birds and the bees to her, but she has a serious case of penis envy.

Is this where babies come from?

So I urge each and every one of you...don't name your dog Britney Spears....because they will forever try to emulate Britney Spears circa 2007 (think shaved head and wielding an umbrella). Give them a nice normal name...like Noodles!

Cranky Pants Thursday

I'm fired up today so you get to suffer benefit from my rage.

How dual-enrollment High School students perceive my husband in college. (Minus the death part)

The cost of college is insane these days. I read something recently that posed the question "What if the cure for cancer is locked inside the mind of a teenager who can't afford to go to college?"

We just had to get books for my husband's course load, and for three books...yes, just three, it cost us almost $500. INSANITY!  Two of the courses aren't even in a classroom, they are online. Why can't the books just be online for viewing then as well? I could buy 5 Kindles for the price of those books where I could just download the reading on to them. One Kindle for the car, one Kindle for by the pool, one Kindle for at work, one Kindle on the couch, and with my fifth Kindle I'll go ahead and donate it because I already have four other Kindles. It makes NO sense!!

Then when you go to pay for the books they were generally shocked that we were paying with a debit card and not with student loan money. It should not be the norm that someone has to go so insanely into debt just to receive an education. Education should be a right, not a privilege.

DIY Tissue Paper Flowers and Poms

It's a PINK explosion in my house right now. V-Day prepping, and bridal shower hosting, all I can see is PINK!!! These tissue paper flowers/poms are a great little touch to any party all for the cost of a pack of tissue paper. Or in my case, FREE, because I used the tissue paper you get from Victoria's Secret when you make a purchase!

I was making flowers as opposed to poms which would be fluffy on all sides, so I used green flower wire. You could also just use string or ribbon if you were making poms.

The Supplies

Gather at least 6 pieces of tissue paper. You can add more to make it fluffier. Then accordion fold the tissue paper and use your wire in the middle to hold it together.

Once you have it tied off in the middle, you will want to cut each end of the tissue paper in the method you desire (more on this in a minute) and then carefully fan out each side, fluffing up each piece of tissue paper.

Here are some common ways to cut the ends and the results:

You could also make smaller versions of these to use as bows for gift wrapping!

My Name is Emily and I Covet. Forgive Me.

This past week my husband scolded me and said that I "covet" to much. Which he then followed up with "don't you read the Bible?" No. I do not actually read the Bible. Anyone who knows me is getting a good chuckle at that notion right now. It's not that I am opposed to reading the Bible, and I do consider myself to be religious in my own way, but I am certainly not the kind of person who would sit down with a cup of chai tea and read the Old Testament.

My argument against this assertion is that I'm a girl. It's what we do. We covet. And whine. 

If I see another girl and her inner thighs don't touch...I'm going to covet that.

If I pass by a shopper in Target with two carts full of stuff...I'm going to covet their mini shopping spree.

If you have a pet furry cow...I'm going to covet that furry cow.

Ladies, am I wrong here? Help me out! (unless you are one of those girls whose inner thighs do not in fact touch...in that case, screw off!)

DIY Valentines Heart Tree

This project started off as a decoration for a bridal shower I am co-hosting at my house. As I got further into the project I realized...oh wait...the shower is in February...this is totally a Valentine's Day decoration as well! Double Duty Decor...oooohh yaaaa!

The gilded branches I had from an after-Christmas sale at Michaels. However, if you are unable to find these, just go out in the yard, grab some branches off the tree, and spray paint those suckers!! 

To get the perfect heart shape, google "heart outline" and print it out in multiple sizes and use it as a pattern to trace.

Fold the piece of paper in half so you can cut two of the exact hearts at the same time. You will be gluing these two hearts together to hide the string. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Next I used some baker's string to make little loops and hot glued it to one of the hearts. 

Attach the identical cut heart over the string so it is sealed. Again, I used hot glue, but you could use Mod Podge, or regular glue...whatever you prefer.

You could even write cute little messages to your loved ones on these hearts before you hang them. 

Example:

I love you because you cook for me.

I love you because you do my laundry.

I love you because you buy me presents.

I love you because sex.

Doesn't that just tug at your heart strings?

What Firefighters Really Do

My husband is a firefighter. When most people hear that they picture sexy strong men in uniform running into burning buildings to rescue crying children. While I can certainly agree with the sexy strong men in uniform, I picture the rest of his job like this:

That's right...saving little ponies. It's an important job but someone needs to do it. 

When he isn't saving little ponies then he is out on medical calls for crazy people who call 9-1-1 for no reason at all.  Like a grown man who got bit by a caterpillar. Oh? You were bit by a baby butterfly? Let me give you this Rainbow Brite band-aid and then kiss it for you.

Whooooooooooooo Meeee?

What my husband does is a very heroic and important job...and not to diminish any of that, but when he texted me this morning about a fire and said "I gave him the coveted nozzle the whole time" I can tell you what I pictured in my head was definitely NOT a fire hose. <insert 80's porn music>

Are you an annoying Facebooker?

Before I begin my rant I must show you the greatest find in human history. I was just moseying through Target and BEHOLD...they have UNICORN SALT & PEPPER SHAKERS!! Clearly I now own these.

But I digress...I spend a lot of time on the computer working playing on Facebook so I get to see it all. Here's my take on what makes you an annoying Facebooker:

1. The Meteorologist
This especially holds true today, when it is unusually cold out due to a polar vortex. I'm not exactly sure what a polar vortex is but I'm picturing something like Sharknado but with polar bears. Oh, it's cold out? Thank you for letting me know fellow Facebooker...I do not watch the news nor am I able to step outside myself, thus I had no idea....

2. The Gym Bragger
Oh, you went to the gym today? Better put it on Facebook or all of those calories you lost will come running back. I would check into the gym also...if there was a bar named "The Gym".

3. The Master Chef
Did you cook your own meal? Or perhaps you are at a restaurant and the chef prepared a visually stunning dish. Better post that sh*t on Facebook. The world must know!!

4. Passive Aggressive Pussy Cats
If you have beef with someone and feel the need to post about it on your online diary Facebook page, then at least tag the person you are talking about. It makes your post 100 times more interesting and you will be sure to get at least 5 new friend requests  from people who have heard about your ranting and now want to watch the sh*t show first hand.

5. The Negative Narcissist
We all have that one friend who posts selfies of herself in the bathroom followed by the comment "I look fat in this dress" or "Such a bad hair day". Yes sweetie...you look like crap today, that's why you are posting a picture for all of the world to see and then tell you how great you look. Get over yourself.

End rant. What annoys you on Facebook?

30 Day Paleo Challenge

Today I started a 30 day paleo challenge with my crossfit box. What does that mean? I have no idea. Perhaps I should come up with a menu and a grocery list. Until then I will just abstain from eating. I'm sure cavemen went mornings where the couldn't find a pterodactyl to kill and eat...so abstaining is totally paleo.

I first talked myself into doing this after looking in the mirror doing a quick search and finding a sample meal plan that had the first breakfast as a veggie omelet with two slices of bacon. Then for dinner was a steak with mushrooms and asparagus. That sounds delightful! Sure I will probably have to substitute my 10 oz ribeye for a 3 oz sirloin but it still doesn't sound like too bad of a diet. (Note: this was said on day 1 before I have eaten anything...ask me again on day 30)

The worst part of it so far was getting measured prior to the challenge. My left thigh is a HALF INCH BIGGER than my right thigh!! Ugh. I'm going to have to start doing one legged squats or something. This kind of imbalance is unacceptable to me. I'm pretty sure their scale was broken when they took my weight...or maybe I broke it...either way, that scale was a dirty filthy liar that should be punished. 

I think to really immerse myself in the paleo challenge I will start wearing only loin cloths and speaking in grunts within the confines of my house. That should get me bonus points with this caveman diet...right?

I Love Free Samples!!!

If I see an offer for a free sample, it doesn't matter what it is, I fill it out. I love getting mail and I love free samples. I get free samples of laundry detergent, tampons, even contact solution...no one in my house wears contacts. But it's FREE!! And it comes delivered in my mailbox!!! I MUST have them!!!

Spanky, my australian shepard, especially loves when I get free samples of dog food.

My pile was starting to overrun my pantry though...so it was time to donate some of the dog food. To which Spanky's response was:

 "WHAT??!! Are you crazy?? I don't see you donating any of your food fatty"

Whoa, Whoa...settle down there Spanky. You don't need all of that food. There are other dogs that are hungry in this world.

Then his sister Britney Spears got into the argument as they stole the bag of dog food back from me to pick out their favorites.

Surprisingly, Spanky just couldn't see himself parting with any of the bags.

"I love them all and must keep them in my belly"

Fat Dogs.

Moral of this story...here's a cool site where you can go to get free samples:

FreeFlys

2014...Resolutions Anyone?

Day two of 2014 and I'm already struggling with my New Years Resolution.

This year I resolved to not eat out more than once a week. 

(not including vacations obviously)

I figured that way it kind of bundled weight loss and money saving all into one compact little resolution. But now it's January 2nd and I really want a Publix sub for lunch. If I eat it at home, that counts as not eating out, right? Ugh. Fine, I'll make my own sandwich. It will be no where near as delicious though.

I'm not really sure why everyone is so excited for the New Year. It's a rough transition back to work because you've had so many days off from the Holidays. On top of that you are engorged with all the roasts and cookies you had for Christmas and then have to fit yourself into a sparkly dress. And once all the bubbly is gone and the confetti is thrown you are left with a hangover and a house full of Christmas decorations to stow away for another year. Ugh, that is a terrible start to anything...let alone an entire year!

With all that said however, I am looking forward to 2014 simply because I am not a fan of odd numbers therefore making 2014 inherently better than 2013. #imcrazy