Reality TV Actually Taught Me Something

My husband is currently enrolled in some college courses in order to become a Registered Nurse. 

In his Nutrition class he was given an assignment where they presented pictures of famous chefs and he had to name them. Sure he got the obvious ones, there's no mistaking Paula Deen or Guy Fieri, but there were some black and white pictures of old school chefs that he had NO IDEA who they were. So what is a guy to do? Turn to his genius wife of course!

I turned to my vast experience from watching Catfish: The TV Show where they out people who created fake online profiles. I knew at some point watching so much trashy reality tv would benefit me...and that's why I put in all those long hours.

Thanks to Catfish, I knew we could just save the pictures to our computer and go to images.google.com to upload them and BAM! just like that it would search the internet for their likeness and tell us who they were!

Move over Nev...there's a new Catfish detective in town.

DIY Valentine's Day Wreath

I've been sitting on this idea for two years now. Yesterday was the day. I was going down to wreath making town. Ohhh Yeaaahhh.

So what had happened was....I bought a ton of pine cones two years ago after Christmas at Target for 90% off. They sat in my closet for about a year until I had the brilliant idea to paint them all different shades of pinks and reds and make a wreath out of them for Valentine's Day. I painted them, admired how cute they were, and then put them back in the closet for another year before I finally created my wreath. Procrastination? Laziness? The answer is just "yes".

Wire Heart Wreath found at Jo-Anns

Once you get your heart frame you will then need pine cones. Small ones, big ones, round ones, fluffy ones, real ones, fake ones...just lots of pine cones. And paint.

Some of my pine cones came glittered. BONUS!

Now affixing the pine cones to the wreath can be a little tricky. Go ahead and slip on a pair of Patience Pants because you really need for the glue on one cone to dry before you can start gluing another one. This was very difficult for me as I had glue gun in hand and just wanted to KEEP ON GLUING!!! I found that one layer of pine cones was just not enough for me. I needed more fluff to my wreath, so I just started gluing more pine cones on top of the other pine cones.

Only 1 layer of pine cones

Behold! My finished product! Pine cone valentine's day wreath.

A Pirate's Life For Me

Ahoy Mateys! This past weekend I celebrated the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in downtown Tampa with a few thousand of my closest scallywags.

Where's Waldo?

I went equipped with my trusty inflatable pirate sword and regaled in violating every single person who marched by me in the parade. Don't give me beads...you're getting booped in the bum with my sword. I don't make the rules, I just live by them. (Ok, I made that rule, but I stand by it)

While the parade was a blast, I am sad to say that it knocked me off my Paleo wagon. Really far off the wagon. Like if I was on the Oregon Trail I would have died of dysentery off the wagon.

Today's a new day though and I have a new craft thought up, so hopefully I will have a fun How-To for you this week.

Crossfit Stretch...the "Dying Turtle"

Ok, I'm not actually sure what this stretch is called, but my Crossfit instructor attempted to make a class full of girls do this today. Umm, yea, not today champ. I'll try this one out in the privacy of my own home...or in bed tonight with my husband. (wink, wink)

I present to you THE DYING TURTLE:

(Sorry for the blurry pictures...my phone needs to be replaced STAT!)

That's not so bad you say?? Hold on, let me get a different angle for you:

I've actually think I've seen this "stretch" before...on National Geographic. Or on Locked Up Abroad. For some reason my Instructor did not want his face shown in the pictures...I can't imagine why. Cirque du Soliel might be calling when they see his flexibility.

Short but Gross

I needed something extreme to help me recover from the Elmo Overload that was yesterday's post. I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. Sometimes I feel like I am violating my standards faster than I can lower them.

My husband had a mole on his chest. No big deal, right? Even if it did really bother you, we hold excellent health insurance, simply go and visit a doctor and have it medically removed. Nope. Not him. He decided to cut it off on his own. Sure, that's gross, but he has some medical training and some things just aren't worth arguing. 

Like any normal human being I stayed far away from the bathroom while he did this only to walk in after he was done to catch him in just the nick of time to stop him from feeding said mole to our dog. Yep. You read that right. Granted our dog does thoroughly enjoy eating fingernail trimmings (don't ask how that got started) but I'm not sure the taste of human flesh is something you want to get your pets used to.

All Elmo Everything!

I was recently given a request for some ideas for an Elmo birthday party. This party is actually being thrown for a grown adult who just happens to really love Elmo. Ok, it's really a kids party...but since I already did the leg work of figuring out crafts this will also be the theme of my husband's next birthday party. This will be the outfit I make him.

I won't even try to lie...I'll be totally jealous of this outfit. Aside from that, the rest of these Elmo theme ideas are really easy to make! I'm not actually going to make any of them right now because I'm pretty sure a house full of Elmo decor for someone with no kids will get you reported to Child Protective Services.

When they first get to your house (assuming that is where you are throwing a party with hordes of children running around) you have a couple adorable options of a welcome wreath:

It's a creepy cute little Elmo balloon wreath!! This could easily be made with items found at the Dollar Store.

This one looks like it would be less work, and pack just as much of an adorable punch! Just get foam paper for the backing of the rectangles, and then print the wording out on cardstock and glue it to the foam paper. Next attach the rectangles to a wider ribbon and adorn with smaller decorative smaller ribbons.

This guy would make a great centerpiece. Just make him out of foam paper as well and attach him to a wooden dowel. 

Remember my post on how to make tissue paper poms? Just add some facial features cut out from cardstock and BAM! You have Elmo poms!

This frame is also super easy to make. Just buy a dollar store frame and use all that card stock we've bought to add the face. You can buy the furry fabric to glue to the frame at Jo-Ann's Fabrics.

You wouldn't dare feed the children off of regular plates, would you? NO! You will add more eyes and a nose to them. Nothing like eating off the face of the one you love!

Depending on the age of the children at this party, you may be able to get them to play Pin the Nose on the Elmo. If their motor skills aren't quite that developed yet, just think of how humorous it will be to watch them run into things while blindfolded.

Party Hats! You can make these out of cardstock or posterboard. Just attach some elastic for the chin strap. I'm sure these will last all of 3 seconds on the kiddos.

Finally I have some options for you for Party Favors...because just throwing a party isn't enough, you also need to send your guests home with gifts. (Who started this trend and where can I go to punch them?)

This one may be a bit of a budget breaker...I'm not sure if the Dollar Store sells pails....but if they do, this would be an adorable favor for my Florida friends who bring their kids to the beach a lot. Again you can make the face from cardstock and hot glue it onto the pail.

What kid doesn't love bubbles? Well, maybe the kid who mistook bubbles for a drink and chugged the whole thing...but every other kid loves bubbles. I feel pretty confident you can paint this face onto a bottle of bubbles. 

I just saw red paper bags in Michaels yesterday. These Elmo gift bags would be a breeze to make!! Time consuming...but a breeze nonetheless.

Stay tuned tomorrow for how to throw a Bronies party. Just kidding. Or am I?

Britney Spears is a hot mess.

Fifty-one years ago Martin Luther King had a dream. Let's hope that he had more than I had last night as I was constantly being woken up by my dog scratching and jumping up at the bed trying to snuggle. There's a lesson in this...if you name your dog Britney Spears, she's going to act like an @sshole in retaliation.

Oops, she did it again.

Case in point...many years ago when we still had a roommate, Britney Spears would go out of her way to enter his room, jump on his bed, and take a nice hot steamy poop...right on his pillow. Why? Because she's Britney F'ing Spears...that's why.

Who Me?

Once we no longer had a roommate she had to find new ways to take out her anger on society. In came her new idea of what a lap dog is. One Christmas we took her to my parent's house, where she jumped on to my dad's lap, squatted, and urinated all over him, only to promptly jump off right after. Daddy issues perhaps?

I will eat your face off one nip at a time.

Britney Spears does not stop at shaming humans. She is constantly humping our male dog. I've tried explaining the birds and the bees to her, but she has a serious case of penis envy.

Is this where babies come from?

So I urge each and every one of you...don't name your dog Britney Spears....because they will forever try to emulate Britney Spears circa 2007 (think shaved head and wielding an umbrella). Give them a nice normal name...like Noodles!